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Q. Dear Bryan— I have three adopted boys from Ethiopia - the fighting between them is unreal - they are 7, 10, and 10. The older boys have been home almost one year and the 7 year old has been home for four. We are still trying to give them the tools to "work things out on their own," teaching them to use words instead of hitting/kicking, etc. I don't feel like some of the advice from experts about leaving the room and letting them solve issues on their own is appropriate just yet as they don’t have those tools. We can't really leave them alone for long without a fight of some kind breaking out. The first six months were hairy and it is getting better - we have survived strictly on prayer. There are days when I think that this is just normal kids fighting and maybe I am being unrealistic and overreacting. Do you have any advise on helping kids get along? Thank you,
—Karen
A.Dear Karen— Yes, sibling rivalry can be vicious, terrible, and scary, especially when you combine this with adopted boys in the midst of testosterone-fueled development and from Ethiopia, no less. Why is Ethiopia a big deal? There has been violence in that country for years. Your boys probably, if not directly, have witnessed much of it. The culture, in and of itself, is quite strict and harsh in their child rearing practices. For you as the parent of these boys it means many things.
First of all, don’t leave the boys to figure it out. This is not healthy advice coming from a mental health professional. Secondly, to overcome sibling rivalry we must first understand what it is. It has several levels. The first and most important is a reflection of our own parental insecurities and hostilities. If you ever find yourself doubting your ability to parent these three boys, ever feel angry, frustrated, intolerant, then it will and does show up in them. You must work on cleaning up these negative experiences within you and bring more light to them. I suggest a technique taught by Drs. Hew Len and Joe Vitale based on a Hawaiian healing method. When you experience your boys fighting with one another, you must take 100% responsibility for it by cleaning up the violence you see within you also, for all that we see is merely a reflection from within us. To do this, without saying a word, but internally just say the following, "I love you," "I'm so sorry," "Please forgive me," "Thank you." Just repeat that statement in your heart several times as you hold the boys and your own violence in your mind and heart. That’s your part.
For them: Sibling Rivalry is an unconscious fight for survival. When the boys are stressed, which is likely to be often, they will revert to survival. In this manner they will see one another as a threat. A threat because that other hungry heart has the capacity to take you and your husband away. "I'm not gonna let you have my mom and dad, I've found them now, and I'm gonna live, therefore you must die!" In the midst of survival, especially with their negative imprints of violence, they will quite literally manifest an "I'm gonna kill you" energy towards the other sibling. Now they are not going to kill one another, but their internal emotional state is certainly that threatened. There are two things you must do here which serve as the next two levels.
Number one: Each of your boys has a window of tolerance for how much stress he can handle at any one time. Sibling interaction seems to maximize the window of tolerance because the stress generated connected to the survival need can be very intense, which means they can only play and interact with one another for so long before the "I wanna kill you" energy begins to generate. You and your husband should observe this phenomenon. Time it and watch how it happens almost down to the minute. Say, for instance, they are in their room playing and everything is going well, then at the tenth minute all hell starts to break loose. They've maxxed their windows of tolerance. At minute numbers 7, 8, and 9 they start giving signals and cues, voices raise, body posture changes, energy of the room changes. Both you and your husband, once getting a grasp for how long the window of tolerance is, can intervene before the explosion simply by going in the room, sitting down or laying down on the bed, giving a hug, asking how things are going, etc. This interrupts and resets the diminishing window.
Number two: When the sibling rivalry ensues, run into the room and with all of your passion exclaim, "No one is going to die here! I love all three of you boys very much and no one is going to kill anybody else in this family. You boys are safe." And you must be authentic and passionate when you state it. Now if there is one more dysregulated than the other, don't talk to him directly, but rather indirectly call his name and just say, "I love you, it's all gonna be okay, I promise." The "I'm not gonna let you die" statement has been used by many parents for years with great success. Try it out. And remember unconsciously they really do believe that someone has to die for their survival. All children experience this in times of stress with siblings but even more so with adopted children from violent cultures.
Finally, your husband's role is to help the boys learn healthy expressions and control of their testosterone impulses. He needs to wrestle with them, rough house, play sports, be active, etc. while at the same time being gentle, understanding, and flexible. One of the things I love to teach dads to do is to wrestle with their children and let them win sometimes, let them pin dad down, count him out and stand up the victor! It's great for their self-esteem. As dad wrestles he can begin to teach them how to regulate their energies by getting them all activated and then by settling down, before going after it again. Finally, make sure each of the boys is engaged in an individual activity that they love and can thrive at. This is also critical to self-esteem and development.
Final point, Dr. Bruce Perry says in times of stress we regress to our developmental zone of comfort. When children are fighting, it's usually a regression to the age of two years old. So rather than seeing them as aggressive pre-adolescent boys, see them as aggressive two year olds; that will make both you and your husband feel safer as well when dealing with them. —B.
Q. Bryan, I learned about you through Heather Forbes (I am a dad) and her site. Plus, Bren Wolfe is an acquaintance and she speaks highly of you.
I have listened to a TON of Heather’s podcasts and interviews. And I have listened to many of your free downloads. Someone loaned me your four-DVD set about “attachment-challenged children”. All of this to say that I have heard a lot from both you and Heather. And….Your 30-minute video that you posted a couple weeks ago is too good to remove from free access to families. Please reconsider your plans to remove access to it. It truly is a short, punchy distillation of you at your best, most passionate, in a fast paced presentation that delivers a truly usable paradigm that is of high value to viewers. The reason this could be important to YOU, is that people can get a very quick, illuminating exposure to you and your work. It could create interest in checking out your other resources. That 30-minute piece could be the very best give-away you have to create a relationship with a family.
For me personally, I want to have that video available to point families in my program to. I am producing hosting programs with Ukrainian orphans. The families who adopt through our program REALLY NEED what you and Heather are sharing! I would love to have your video available to be able to point families to it and say "Watch this as an example of what Bryan is sharing and providing to families!"
I just sent the link last Friday to a family for viewing. I think it is a good move for your organization.
I also thought Bryan’s decision to offer his book in e-book format in the aftermath of the Artom/Russian Return incident a few weeks ago said volumes about his personal commitment to families.
May God bless his and your efforts to serve former orphans and the families who are seeking to care for them! There is a transcendent economy that will provide for our needs when we freely give. May God multiply back to the Post Institute resources as you sow freely!
Thank you for offering your resources to families in need of sound advice based upon recent research!
David Avilla
Director
Advocate for Orphans International
A.Dear Mr. Avilla,
Your request has been heard. The FREE 30 minute video is now a permanent part of the free stuff offerings on our site. See our home page right column for FREE 30 Minute Video on the From Fear to Love banner. We have had numerous requests to keep this live so it will remain so.
—David
Q. Dear Bryan - I have gone once through How to Heal the Attachment-Challenged, Angry, and Defiant Child and am beginning it again. There have been so many moments in working with the material when I was deeply grateful that I happened on your work.
Since taking up your suggestions I have had a remarkable reduction in difficult behaviors from my daughter adopted in 2000. She is eight years old. Thank you so much. For seven years, dressing, undressing, showers, and brushing teeth were daily explosions. For the most part those have quieted down. I still have a long way to go, and I know that is because of my own trauma background. Your work has been a great help in bringing to the surface an awareness of my own triggers. I have a couple of questions:
- You said in one session that one does not resolve, but can only bring about integration. Did I understand that correctly? There is a great deal of literature out there now about resolving trauma. Is it your experience that this is a "misnomer," that we are actually integrating and embracing our trauma?
- Have you also articulated a clear path of work for adults wanting to integrate "unfinished business"? My daughter has a couple of behaviors that I just don't seem to be effective with, partly because the triggers are unpredictable and partly because they link to my own triggers more deeply. I will call to find out more about your coaching sessions to help with those.
Thank you so much. —Beth
A. Hello Beth, Glad the information has been of help to you. Yes, my belief is that trauma resolution is a misnomer...I like your use of that word, very appropriate. Since we never truly forget a single memory, or "clear up" as the term implies, I believe that we are more accurately seeking to integrate traumatic experiences in our lives, thus coming to accept the role they do or have played and in time, hopefully, coming to understand not just the negative impact but also the positive impact trauma has on and in our lives. I believe the therapy profession has sought to encourage resolution of trauma because we live with so much shame and blame around bad things that happen to us rather than accepting them as tremendously growth-producing and life-altering, albeit painful.
Secondly, yes, I have attempted to point to a direction, though it is not an easy path, in my program Creating Healing for the Attachment Challenged Adult. This work takes a lot of courage and determination, but ultimately I have seen many adults come to some serious terms regarding their lives and their histories. This program would give you a good overview to my approach and I would be happy to try to locate a professional that might be able to support you through whatever process you are interesting in going through.
Thank you for your questions and your determination to parent from love and to live a love-driven life.
—B.
Q. Dear Bryan—The more I hear and read your material, I realize all the things I should done different in raising our sons. But, I also realize that I did the best I knew how. As I said in my previous email my son Joshua is at Teen Challenge in Georgia. I really don’t feel that bringing him home at this time would be the right thing to do. So I have decided that I need to do everything to help myself be a better parent to both of my sons before he gets home.
I am now trying to decide how to start preparing for his return and to help our son Jamal who is at home with us heal. Would appreciate and advice on how to start the healing process for all of us. Thank You. —Donna
A. Thank you for writing, Donna. Over the years that Ihave been conducting Parent and Family camps, I have seen transformations occur in many participants and in their family’s lives in very brief periods of times. These events are not trainings, they are not workshops, they are transformation seminars. This means personal self-growth is the primary focus. I know strongly that self-growth is the key to family peace and therapist effectiveness.
Though my energy levels are currently at heightened levels, I would like to only focus on shifting paradigms for those folks that truly feel open and ready. In other words, if you are still feeling like everything is your child’s fault, he doesn’t want to get better, he’s just being manipulative, or it’s somebody else’s fault, etc. this is most likely not the event for you. We are not playing a blame game here.
The only way I know that we can truly support Others to growth and healing is by being emotionally Present in the midst of their internal strife. The only way we can be emotionally present is by having a deep and clear understanding of our internal self. From this place we can begin to truly support another and embrace their greatest fears. From this place of Love, healing can begin.
The key is a willingness to take 100% responsibility for your role in another individual’s life whether it be child or client. In the past this hasn’t been a primary issue because I had the energy to help shift even the most stubborn of personal processes, but over time, I’ve come to desire working with individuals that want transformation, they want change, they want peace and growth.
These individuals are not window shopping. They are on a mission. They know what they want and will not let anything or anyone get in their way. Such individuals already have immense courage, not the absence of fear but the ability to move forward in its midst.
In this moment, are you one of those people? Why do you want to attend a camp? What’s the driving motivation? How important is it that you see changes occur in your life? Are you willing to trust yourself enough to keep trying until you succeed?
In the past we referred to our camps as boot camps. Though in time we have dropped the use of boot camp, because it carries such negative connotation, you can still consider a camp to be very much like an emotional boot camp. Very challenging, very draining, very emotional, but once you make it through you’ll never be the same. Simply, I’m only asking that you bring your openness to the process.
I truly, truly desire to help you transform your life, so that you can bring that home to your child or back to your office for your clients. However, true transformation can be very scary because it is about a willingness to challenge long held beliefs about yourself and others.
Do I believe you are ready? Absolutely! But, in all honesty only you can answer that question. If after reading this note you feel scared, but on fire, then attending a camp may be the opportunity you seek. If however, you feel scared, anxious, mad or unsure, then you should probably wait awhile. There will be more camps in the future, I’m not sure when, but there will be. Give it some time. It’s not time yet. —B.
Q. Dear Bryan— Brad came to me at seven months old. He didn’t cry, didn’t laugh, made no sounds at all, no eye contact, couldn’t sit up or reach for toys, couldn’t roll over. It was thought that he had a severely limited mental capacity. Brad is now seven and we are struggling with pooping, peeing, and smearing. When he soils himself he says he is stupid, hits himself, and says that I hate him, even though I reassure him that those things aren’t true. I hug him and tell him how much I love him after these episodes. He has started hiding his soiled underwear so I have provided him with a closable bucket and shown him how to wash them out. I feel that he needs to take some level of responsibility for the clean-up because he is seven and quite capable of caring for his own cleanliness. Pooping and smearing are not acceptable behaviors no matter what the cause and cause and effect are very important skills to have life long. I am not negative to him when he smears, I just explain that he needs to take ownership and my message to him is that making difficult messes doesn’t take away anger. My goal is to model appropriate behavior, state my expectations, and then allow him to figure out how to meet the expectations.
—Denise in North Carolina
A. Dear Denise— This is a difficult situation to address because it is challenging to help parents awaken to a deeper understanding of what is going on with their child. A child who has been grossly neglected and abused (maybe sexually abused) has a reason to poop and smear. Should he really have to take ownership of a behavior that stems from the violent and neglectful acts committed upon him by an adult? Should he have to take responsibility for this behavior before he is able to work through the root issues?
Pooping and smearing are not okay, but parents need to understand that the weight of responsibility rests on their shoulders, not their child’s. Let me give you an idea of what I mean by that. One night I was away from our boys group home and there were a couple of substitute staff members with whom the boys weren’t yet comfortable. Things got chaotic and in the midst of the chaos, one of the boys urinated in the middle of the living room. When I got home, all the boys were on the front lawn and the police were there. After listening for a few moments I told the staff member to go home, sent away the police, and ten minutes later (without raising my voice or threatening the kids) all the boys were in bed with no problems.
A short time passed and the one who had wet the carpet came down hungry. I fixed him some food and then one other boy came and joined him at the kitchen table. He said, "Hey, Post, that’s where I pissed on the floor!" They both started laughing. There was a chair over the area. I replied with the deepest empathy, "Wow, dude, I'm sorry that happened." I reached under the kitchen counter got the carpet cleaner, moved the chair, got down on my knees and started scrubbing. I never looked at him directly. I could see the biggest sense of disbelief coming over him. He stopped chewing his food. There was no longer any laughter, only natural shame and embarrassment. Then he said, "Man, I didn’t want you to have to clean it up; I wanted Mr. M to have to do it."
I finished cleaning and just told him I was sorry for leaving him with someone he didn’t feel safe with, therefore, it was my responsibility. Three weeks later he threatened to do it again and then stopped and said he wouldn’t want anyone to have to clean that up.
When your son becomes stressed, he regresses emotionally. In those moments, he really is just a two year old. Remember that, internalize it, and I guarantee you will eliminate those behaviors completely in a matter of weeks or months. —B.
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