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A seven year old child adopted a year ago was returned to Russia after his behaviors were more than the family could handle. I woke up this morning bombarded by request for comments on this story. Certainly the first thing many of us are prompted to do is bash the parents for being uncaring or callous, however before rushing to jump on the parent bashing train, how many of us have lived with severely traumatized children? Any family living in a home with a child who has written out a list of people he would like to kill, setting fires in his bedroom, and demonstrating little attachment after a year of care, would feel scared by the prospects of raising such a child. This is a normal reaction demonstrated by countless families in our society who have chosen to adopt abused and maltreated children. Unfortunately, such behaviors are all too familiar for both parents and professionals that raise and work with abused and neglected children. Though these behaviors are considered bizarre it is rather par for the course for many abused and maltreated children. Neuroscience has provided us many insights into the manner in which early life stress impacts the developing brain and its subsequent impact on social and emotional facets of life such as attachment, peer relationships, trust, and familial bonding.
The family was not deceived nor did the Russian adoption agency lie. However, if every parent of a child who threatened their life, or set a fire in their bedroom, stuck the child on a plane back to Russia the airline industry would probably specialize in such travel arrangements. They simply did not understand or know the impact that this child’s early life could have on his subsequent emotional life. With a lack of understanding, it is not beyond reason to see how this situation could have occurred. I am quite certain that the family felt desperate and fearful, as well as did the child. In a one year period of time, I don’t doubt that the little boy was “happier than he’d ever been” as reported by the mother, to be returning to Russia. Both the family and the little boy, though not the hope and dream, had probably been living in hell the past year. I am sure he was happy to be returning to the place he knew most as home.
We can prevent these occurrences from happening by providing education to adoptive families prior to adoption. Not by sugar coating adoption of international children, but by providing accurate and factual information based on what science tells us about the brain and social/emotional development. Any family adopting a child from an orphanage should be informed that regardless the age the child is going to have challenges in forming healthy, secure attachment for some time. They should be informed that their neurologic development is most likely challenged in key areas regarding social development and this will take time to repair, and their stress response system is highly sensitized and reactive. There are many places where pre-adoptive families and adoption agencies can gather very solid information to provide families. Just to name a few: www.postinstitute.com, www.journeytome.com, and www.childtraumaacademy.org.
Rather than reactively blaming these parents or seeking to punish them for their actions we need to step up to the plate and reach out to parents that may be in similar situations and offer support, resources and guidance rather than shame and punishment. Providing more fear and threats to families that are already in stress and survival is not going to make this situation improve. That being said I will take the lead and make my new book From Fear to Love: Parenting Difficult Adopted Children available free of charge as a digital download for any family or professional that may be feeling helpless about what to do with an adopted child. Just visit www.postinstitute.com/feartolovehelp
In the meantime, rather than chastise this family, pray for that they may recover and learn from this experience and go on to do positive things for other adoptive families. And for this little boy, that he will find peace and love to guide him towards healing the pain he has experienced in his young life.
Bryan Post, author, speaker, and family therapist is considered one of America’s Foremost Child Behavior Experts. His new book From Fear to Love: Parenting Difficult Adopted Children is now available at www.postinstitute.com
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