Fear and Star Wars Episode I
by Linda Farkas

"Fear leads to Anger.
Anger leads to Hate.
Hate leads to Suffering."
                 Master Yoda- Star Wars Episode I

So true... So true!  Think about it the next time you are fearful of a situation.  You will see it quickly turns to anger!   If the intensity is great it will quickly turn to hate, (I hate so & so!). Other times it will slowly turn to hate. Next comes the suffering!  I am sure everyone has suffered one time or another after having an argument with a loved one.    Master Yoda (or George Lucas) was very wise and insightful when he said this!   

I can't think of a better way to describe what these children are feeling!  I think everyone would agree with me when I say these children are full of anger, hate, and suffering!  Everyone knows these children live in anger.  Yes, that means they really live in a constant state of suffering!  Which also means that the root of their anger, hatred, and suffering is really fear!  Fear from the first time they were left alone, fear from the first time they were hit, etc.  By now their fear is everywhere and past fears are buried very deep, it will be hard to see and difficult to find as the anger protects it and keeps it safe.  It is too scary to even look at that fear! Follow Yoda's words backwards to find the fear.  Next time your child is angry, say to him/her, "I can see you are really suffering, it must be very painful." Or "You are really suffering, aren't you?" Again follow the words backwards. In time you will find the fear.  The key to success is seeing the fear and making an environment in which his fears can be alleviated.   At that point the child will begin to calm and start recognizing his own fears.  Be careful though, you can't do it for him, you can only support him and make it safe for him to realize his fear.  They don't feel safe enough to see their fear.  Use your efforts to make him/her feel safe enough to see his/her own fears.   Stop yourself and think, what is this child afraid of right now (fear of being wrong, fear of acceptance, fear of looking dumb, fear of being called a bad name, fear of being hurt, fear of not having his/her way etc.).

Test this out on yourself first, I believe you will find that it is true.  Think of something you are angry about, something you hate, or something you are suffering over and follow it back until you figure out what you are fearful about (fear that people won't understand, fear of acceptance, fear of not being normal, fear of failure, afraid it won't work, afraid of what will happen next, etc. etc!)   

Remember the "Nothing but Cash" story on this website?  Scared was more dangerous than mean!  In otherwords fear is the most dangerous of all.  Think about times when something is fearful to you, your instinct tells you to stay away from whatever it is.  No one can convince you that it is ok and safe cuz inside you know it is horrid and you will get hurt.  So you avoid it at all costs.  Now think, what could someone do when you are feeling that way to calm you down and help you see that what you are afraid of most is the fear and that the situation probably isn't as bad as you perceive it at the moment?  Whatever it is, it is going to take time and patience before you can calm down enough and build up strength to get near the situation.

At the beginning of that statement, Yoda said "Fear is the path to the dark side."  So true... So true!!!

Master Yoda said this when he refused to train Anakin, stating the boy had too much fear in him.  The entire quote goes as follows:

"Fear is the path to the dark side.
Fear leads to anger.
Anger leads to hate.
Hate leads to suffering."

As we watch episode I and II, we see that Anakin has a tremendous amount of suffering and turmoil.  Which eventually is the path and foundation for Darth Vader.  In later episodes, it becomes obvious that Darth Vader is cold, uncaring, and evil. He ends up using the evil to cover all the pain and suffering he endured in the past.  In the last Episode, Luke finally breaks through the wall, but only right before Vader's death.

You have the power to make a new path for your child.  Look, find the fear and alleviate it and start building a new foundation and path for your child.  Otherwise the fear will lead to the dark side.

Linda

My Idea of Respite!
by Laura Slagle

We have had our 13-yr-old son since he was 15 months old. Up until a year ago our extended family all lived 2000 miles away. My parents are here now, but they definitely don't understand him enough to help out. Our (used to be) friends avoid us like the plague and I've never been able to find a babysitter who could handle him. As a result, we've never had the luxury of respite. But I discovered something that works just as well. When I get to feeling like I need a break, I realize that he does too. We drop everything and just take off. We can't always afford to take a whole family trip, so sometimes it's just my son and I and we just go somewhere (park, beach, etc.) away from everyone else. The change in scenery works wonders and we are always able to reconnect in an incredible way.

This has been one of those weeks. My son is trying to adjust to new classes and teacher since the new semester started last week, he has had extra church activities this week, and he had a sub the other day (always throws him), and I've been working a temporary job. He has been becoming more and more stressed out (and so have I).

By last night we were a wreck. He did something and i started harping on him about it. He swore he didn't mean it, he was sorry, he didn't do it on purpose, etc. I was tired of the excuses and just continued in on him. I knew I was not following Dr. Post's three phase intervention that works so well for us, but I just couldn't stop myself. He hasn't had any rages now in months, but he was getting so frustrated I thought for sure he was going to have a major one. He kept asking me to stop yelling at him. Then, he did something incredible. He said, "Mom, I love you, but I can't talk about this any more right now. I don't feel well." I looked at him and realized he was sincerely holding his stomach in pain. He was so upset that I was upset with him that

it made him sick. This was when I realized that he is truly healing. A year ago my son had no conscience. Now he is sick over disappointing me. What a humbling experience to realize that my son has gotten so well that he was the one being mature, and I was letting my fear run away with me.

Well, today I stopped the ride and got us off! I kept him home from school and spent the whole day with him. I got my work done while he slept in, I sat and watched cartoons with him (for more than the allotted time), took him to the park and watched him skateboard, etc. We had a great day together and he talked to me non-stop about every little thing in his life. It was the best respite I've ever had! Tonight my husband came home and couldn't believe the change in him. He's back to being pleasant and loving, ate dinner with us (he's been refusing), and he hugged or kissed me every time I walked past him. I have so much to be thankful for! If I were still parenting him the way I was two years ago we would still be having the huge rages! After our intensive with Dr. Post, we totally changed our parenting approach. I often feel depressed that I didn't find the answer to his problems years ago. But I guess it was worth the wait to find something that really works!

Laura, what wonderful insight you have with your son and I can see that you are SO very proud of your son for being able to tell you, in his own way, "mom, we need a break" AND you being able to recognize his needs.  CONGRATS Laura, you are doing a great job... Think of us the next time you two take off for a mini retreat from the world and its demands, we will be there with you in spirit.  Prayers from our home to yours, Sandie (with the IE not the R) :):)