Outrage over Adoption Return to Sender: Russia Furious About Monstrous Deed
by Bryan Post

A comment on Washington Post article Saturday, April 10, 2010

A seven year old child adopted a year ago was returned to Russia after his behaviors were more than the family could handle. I woke up this morning bombarded by request for comments on this story. Certainly the first thing many of us are prompted to do is bash the parents for being uncaring or callous, however before rushing to jump on the parent bashing train, how many of us have lived with severely traumatized children? Any family living in a home with a child who has written out a list of people he would like to kill, setting fires in his bedroom, and demonstrating little attachment after a year of care, would feel scared by the prospects of raising such a child. This is a normal reaction demonstrated by countless families in our society who have chosen to adopt abused and maltreated children. Unfortunately, such behaviors are all too familiar for both parents and professionals that raise and work with abused and neglected children. Though these behaviors are considered bizarre it is rather par for the course for many abused and maltreated children. Neuroscience has provided us many insights into the manner in which early life stress impacts the developing brain and its subsequent impact on social and emotional facets of life such as attachment, peer relationships, trust, and familial bonding.

The family was not deceived nor did the Russian adoption agency lie. However, if every parent of a child who threatened their life, or set a fire in their bedroom, ... Read the full article here.

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On Love
by Bryan Post

We at the POST Institute decided to spend time examining the very fleeting experience of Love. Why do I say fleeting? Truth is love is not that common. To really know love, experience it, share it, sit quietly within it, is something that I believe eludes most of us most of the time. We are familiar with the all too common "I love you" and the quick "love you too" response that is more of a knee jerk reaction than a truly heartfelt expression of what the words really mean. Truth be told, we all strive for it, hope to raise our children in it, and would like to be seen as very loving. In fact, in the day to day we probably even believe that for the most part we are loving. But let’s take a closer look shall we?

I believe that in order to truly understand something, we can best grasp it by understanding more fully its opposite. I was twenty-seven years old before I first realized that I was fearful. Not fearful on a moment to moment basis, but fearful in a way ... Read the full article here.

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Questions & Answers

Q. Dear Bryan—The more I hear and read your material, I realize all the things I should done different in raising our sons. But, I also realize that I did the best I knew how. As I said in my previous email my son Joshua is at Teen Challenge in Georgia. I really don’t feel that bringing him home at this time would be the right thing to do. So I have decided that I need to do everything to help myself be a better parent to both of my sons before he gets home.

I am now trying to decide how to start preparing for his return and to help our son Jamal who is at home with us heal. Would appreciate and advice on how to start the healing process for all of us. Thank You. —Donna

A. Thank you for writing, Donna. Over the years that I have been conducting Parent and Family camps, I have seen transformations occur in many participants and in their family’s lives in very brief periods of times. These events are not trainings, they are not workshops, they are transformation seminars. This means personal self-growth is the primary focus. I know strongly that self-growth is the key to family peace and therapist effectiveness.

Though my energy levels are currently at heightened levels, ... Read the full response here.

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Angelique Miller

If You Can’t Beat ‘em, Join ‘em - "Can I Play Too?"
by Angelique Miller

It’s really just about staying regulated, staying present, and making real connection with my kids. Only then can I truly influence them positively. But sometimes those words sound so lofty and vague, right? "Yeah, but what does that mean?? What does that look like?" Here's an example of what that can look like.

Our two kids sometimes get really dysregulated together. It looks like they’re playing but it’s way too rough. If we leave them alone, it usually escalates to one of them getting hurt and/or something broken, which fans the dysregulation flames when one of them feels like a bad kid. My husband and I usually get scared when we see this rough playing and want to break it up as quickly as possible. There’s no way our kids will go sit in a chair or anything else we might ask when they get like that, which is part of why we get so scared. It's a seemingly out-of-control situation and we have zero influence—or at least that’s how it feels.

Feeling fairly regulated recently when that happened, I let go of the instant gotta-break-it-up feeling and casually strolled in, waiting for something brilliant to come to me. Although I wasn’t consciously planning it, I was attempting to feel present. Well, it worked because I stood there looking at them wrestling in the bunk bed and the kids, expecting me to get upset, were kind of shocked to hear me say, "Hey, can I play, too?" After a half-second pause, in stereo they replied, "SURE!" and their angry demeanor changed instantly to joy. I don’t know why, but I just really wasn’t expecting that response. I was expecting something with expletives... But anyway, I didn’t have to exert myself physically to play, just played a little bit with tickling fingers, pretend, etc. and then within about ninety seconds I could sense that I was able to suggest moving them onto a calmer activity (or maybe one of them spontaneously decided to go somewhere else, can’t recall since I’ve now done this “technique” several times).

Anyway, how happy I am to find this! That old panic is so instant that I sometimes forget this idea, but when I do it, it’s a great way to handle their dysregulation. Turns out they’ve been begging me to help calm them down, but I was so wrapped up in my fear that I couldn’t hear what they were really saying.

Angelique lives and works in northern California, has been married 16 years and is mom to two children, ages 8 and 9, adopted from Haiti. She has implemented the Beyond Consequences principles since September 2006. You can reach Angelique at her new business www.rawshopper.com and angelique@rawshopper.com.

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