On Adoption

by bryanpost

Adoption is exciting to me, I suppose, because I am adopted, but what is it really all about? Is adoption just an activity of grafting children from lesser circumstances into better homes, giving them a better chance?

Let's see, who are some famous people that have been adopted? There was the famous author Truman Capote, Johann Sebastian Bach was an orphan but was actually raised by an older brother, the famous singer Joesphine Baker, the actor Ted Danson, the signer ... Read the full article here.

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Questions & Answers — Helping Adults with Attachment Issues

Q. Dear Bryan — I have gone once through How to Heal the Attachment-Challenged, Angry, and Defiant Child and am beginning it again. There have been so many moments in working with the material when I was deeply grateful that I happened on your work.

Since taking up your suggestions I have had a remarkable reduction in difficult behaviors from my daughter adopted in 2000. She is eight years old. Thank you so much. For seven years, dressing, undressing, showers, and brushing teeth were daily explosions. For the most part those have quieted down. I still have a long way to go, and I know that is because of my own trauma background. Your work has been a great help in bringing to the surface an awareness of my own triggers. I have a couple of questions:

1. You said in one session that one does not resolve, but can only bring about integration. Did I understand that correctly? There is a great deal of literature out there now about resolving trauma. Is it your experience that this is a “misnomer,” that we are actually integrating and embracing our trauma?
2. Have you also articulated a clear path of work for adults wanting to integrate "unfinished business"? My daughter has a couple of behaviors that I just don't seem to be effective with, partly because the triggers are unpredictable and partly because they link to my own triggers more deeply. I will call to find out more about your coaching sessions to help with those.

Thank you so much. — Beth

A. Hello Beth, Glad the information has been of help to you. Yes, my belief is that trauma resolution is a misnomer...I like your use of that word, very appropriate. Since we never truly forget a single memory, or "clear up" as the term implies, I believe that we are more accurately seeking to integrate traumatic experiences in our lives, thus coming to accept the role they do or have played and in time, hopefully, coming to understand not just the negative impact but also the positive Read the full response here.

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What does Stop Whining and suck it up really mean?

by kristisaulpost

As my little one woke me early this morning, before the sunrise, I stumbled to the kitchen, made coffee, and her favorite breakfast of the week.  I felt an initial annoyance as she repeatedly requested "eggs and pancakes" (frozen pancakes of course, as I am not the lover of mornings that she is. I struggle just to survive the first hour). She repeated her desire, "eggs and pancakes, eggs and pancakes".  I feel my stress rise, as internally I hear this repeated request, as a demand for me to move faster and meet her desire.  I look around the corner to see her in the living room, Barbie's in hand, as they dance and sing, "eggs and pancakes."  Now I have a new understanding.  Her chants were not taunts targeted at me.  She was not one bit invested in my feeling like a morning failure, she was just excited and sharing her love for the morning and her love of eggs and pancakes in song and dance.  I took a deep breath and gave silent thanks for having a child who wakes with joy and happiness.  I also gave silent thanks for the teaching of love and understanding I have been exposed to in the past five years.  It has been this exposure that gave me the invitation to look around the corner and to check out my perception, and to perceive my little one as simply experiencing the joy of the morning.  If not for this exposure, I would have likely experienced the entire situation as a personal attack, all related to my own fear of not being good enough, of not measuring up.

After having breakfast, I went out ... Read the full article here.

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Reader Mailbag

Kudos for the Audios

Hey David, I really like the Vibe #2 and the whole audio clip idea - it seems like a great way to provide an important connection between what is being learned and incorporating it (literally) by using auditory processing to supplement the lesson being taught. In this case, "mindfulness" is somewhat of an abstraction for many of us parents (especially those of us with histories of dysregulation), so to have Bryan giving some slow, simple direction is great. I'd like to hear more concrete instruction on "how to" practice this several times a day using sensory input (e.g., exercises using sight, taste, touch, and sound) to help focus on a moment rather than the mental or emotional state. Thanks for the excellent resources! -- peace, Dave E

Hi Dave, Thanks for the great feedback. We will in fact be offering a wonderful little "how to" book very soon (The Mindfulness Wheel, a tool for bringing awareness and attentiveness into your life every day. It is a daily reminder to wake up and appreciate each moment for what it is). It is actually a mini course to do on your own. Also, make sure you check out the guide by Jon Kabat-Zinn http://postinstitute.com/resources/free-stuff/271-cultivating-mindfulness-guide.html Have a calm and mindful day! --David

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Returned Adopted Russian Boy

Dear David, I am very happy that Bryan is reviving the "Post Vibe". I have always found his honesty so refreshing. I have also been able to laugh at myself so often as he talks about his every day experiences with schedules etc.

I am writing to thank him for sharing his opinion on the situation of the little boy who was sent back to Russia. I feel that the media circus around the situation did no one service! I feel quite certain that no airline allows a 7 year old child to be put on a plane without knowing who will meet the child at the end of his journey. It is very heartbreaking the he was returned to a situation which would probably continue to be detrimental to his development. But, the thing I feel most passionate about is the lack of understanding of how this child has suffered, probably from birth. I feel that there is little national or international attention on the emotional, psychological, intellectual, and social devistation of orphaned children.

I am sure his adopted parents had little or no support in knowing how to help him. I am sure they were overwhelemed by his behaviors.I am sure they must have felt totally isolated.

Only an honest dialogue about the perils of orphanage life and foster care on the psyche of a child can bring about understanding and help for families who are struggling. The Post Institute has been a saving factor in the life of my family and I am very grateful. -- Sincerely, Marion G

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